A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.
HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.