@EmissaryKerry

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

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@TrophyWifeDayna

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@KatieBurnett

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

@BoomBoomBetty

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

@Flora__Flora

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

@FKACornshucks

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

@TheBoydP

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

@JKNenagh

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

@the_anastasia

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

@juliussharpe

Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.