@EmissaryKerry

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

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@VenisVal

It’s easier to compliment a woman when you’re traveling with a toddler.

“Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes.”

@TweetPotato314

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

@portmanteauface

Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus

@AngryRaccoon2

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

@AmishPornStar1

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

@WilliamRodgers

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

@LuckoftheDraw86

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.