I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals