I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
The government even made aliens boring
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.