Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
You Might Also Like
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.
Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.
*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.