I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.


Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?


I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.


[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.


Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.


Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat


Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.

Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.

*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.