I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.

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Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature


You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.


captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol


confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?


video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber


Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?


Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.


My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.


Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere