@jergarl

I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.

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@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

@HatfieldAnne

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

@MarfSalvador

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

@DanMentos

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

@prufrockluvsong

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

@david8hughes

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

@sugarwits

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

@IvoryGazelle

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

@JD_KC

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere