*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed