I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
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If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I mean…but I did
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!