@Gilapfeffer

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

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@WilliamAder

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

@MondayPajamas

My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house.

Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though

@natedog2049

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

@markleggett

At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.

@TheNYAMProject

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

@nathanwpyle

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

@ManvAlcohol

Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you’re no detective.

@SortaBad

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]