I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself