I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.