Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
*me flirting
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion