My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.