I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.


Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.


[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day


If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.


[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all


heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists


Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though


I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder


In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s