@Darlainky

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

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@heatherlou_

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

@markydoodoo

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

@LostCatDog

If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.

@AnkCoupleTO

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

@wolfpupy

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

@zachreinert03

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

@LlamaInaTux

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

@envydatropic

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s