@Darlainky

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

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@KylePlantEmoji

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

@KimmyMonte

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

@Sal0630

Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

@carolinamess_

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

@brendohare

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

@NikiWithIssues

Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he’s really into phone calls.

@paulablu22

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.