Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Jesus:”table for 26 please”
Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”
J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.
Stare all you want.