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Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.


These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.


[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry


“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*


how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose


“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.


Jesus:”table for 26 please”

Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”

J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”


My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.


Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home


I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.