Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Cucumbers Anonymous
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game