I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
real
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.