my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Oh boy, $150,000!
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday