I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
BRO LMFAO
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
‘I know a black person’
– White people
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.