I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Sounds like a bargain
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.