The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
best sunscreen ever… Xbox 360
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus