@DaveTheAlbino

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

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@skittle624

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

@BGH70

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

@kristendrum

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

@WheelTod

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@LanieLalaBugs

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

@panmidwest

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

@RandySmithWhat

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus