I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.


I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.



Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME


Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.


Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.


Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds


I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman


I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.


When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.


Me: Goodnight, sleep tight. I’ll miss you ‘til the morning.

8: You miss us when we’re sleeping?

Me: I do. Sometimes I even look at pictures of you after you’ve fallen asleep.

8: Well, that’s weird. Don’t you have anything better to do?