@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

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@PaperWash

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

@ThisLocalHater

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

@Megatronic13

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

@moooooog35

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

@TheBoydP

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

@kathradical

I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman

@sofarrsogud

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

@jwalkonthemoon

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

@sarabellab123

Me: Goodnight, sleep tight. I’ll miss you ‘til the morning.

8: You miss us when we’re sleeping?

Me: I do. Sometimes I even look at pictures of you after you’ve fallen asleep.

8: Well, that’s weird. Don’t you have anything better to do?

Me: