I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”