I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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reduce, reuse, recycle
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.