The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.
“My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat..”
Um, don’t you mean “Lava”?
“…like warm hill pee”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I think my mom just blocked me
Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.