@mommajessiec

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

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@phxguy88

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

@AngelaEhh

Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.

@economybacon

“My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat..”

Um, don’t you mean “Lava”?

“…like warm hill pee”

@polychromatik

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

@JaneBadall

Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.

@sucittaM

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

@lazerdoov

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

@DanKaszeta

OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.