I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.