‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My toxic trait is telling people I鈥檓 down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Friend: I鈥檝e been so productive lately! Today I鈥檓 gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That鈥檚 awesome. I鈥檓 gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I could never be a therapist because I can鈥檛 hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma鈥檃m your husband posted bail Friday
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you鈥檙e put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me: I鈥檒l give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that鈥檚 not how day trading works
October already? What鈥檚 next? November????
There is no “ea” in Tim.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who鈥檚 doing a headstand in an armchair.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.