I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink