I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
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Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
remember
only for emergencies
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?