“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Yes, this is exactly right
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.