I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

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[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet


Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.

P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.


Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.


You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!


Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.


“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes


[one month later]
Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?


Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.


me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum


[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job