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[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or


*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.


Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails


FRIEND: Women like when you’re mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business


Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.


Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.


Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!


“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”

– My Dad