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@2browneyedboys

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

@chapel3929

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

@waydybee

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like when you’re mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business

@RandomRamblr

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@Jayson_Two_time

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

@DaHess1

“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”

– My Dad