I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
*exercises sarcastically*
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
How is it still this week?