I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”
I’ve never had a pumpkin spice latte but I can only assume it’s 1% coffee and 99% candle
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.