Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My life coach traded me.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God