@StainsQueen

I’ve never had a pumpkin spice latte but I can only assume it’s 1% coffee and 99% candle

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@StellaRtwot

I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@EliTerry

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

@amselts

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@perlhack

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

@thetigersez

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

@aotakeo

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

@DrakeGatsby

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.