I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

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I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”


[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this


me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*


I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…


*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen


me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?


How to pick up women:
1-approach beautiful lady
2-bend at the knees
3-lift gently
4-oh god she’s screaming
5-put her down the cops are here


I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.


fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever