I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
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me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love
[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
How to pick up women:
1-approach beautiful lady
2-bend at the knees
4-oh god she’s screaming
5-put her down the cops are here
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever