I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend