“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?
I hate parrot teacher conferences
I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.