I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.


It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.


Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences


I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?


People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.


Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.


Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again


Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*


Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.