@starsnbars7

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

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@Marcmywords2

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

@dorsalstream

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences

@FuckabillyRex

I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?

@Sarcasticsapien

People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

@Shenaniglenns

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

@causticbob

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

@sixfootcandy

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

@HatfieldAnne

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.