@starsnbars7

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

You Might Also Like

@mean_crow

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

@McKelvie

Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds

@Mr_Kapowski

With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute

@NinjaSweatpants

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

@KKAlThani

Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.

@TeaPainUSA

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

@PhuckinCody

[starbucks]
BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”

@KalvinMacleod

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

@TheRolo

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

@RealCarrotFacts

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep