I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

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to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy


Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds


With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute


Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food


Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.


Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.


BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”


BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?


Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*


Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep