I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
You Might Also Like
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.