@Dutch_50

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

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@terrill

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@ObscureGent

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

@EndhooS

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

@ronnui_

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

@marebytes

Facebook tells me today is “National Winnie the Pooh Day” … I hope they’re ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office

@Love_bug1016

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

@MommaUnfiltered

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

@girlziplocked

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.