I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

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I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.


The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.


“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*


If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.


ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”


Facebook tells me today is “National Winnie the Pooh Day” … I hope they’re ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office


It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.


A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.


If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.