@GingerHotDish

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

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@Rohit_And_Run

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

@Reverend_Scott

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

@difficultpatty

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

@JosesLovesYou

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

@AnaGunnaTelya

Me: I’m sorry my intelligence intimidates you

Also me: *misspells banana

@sarah1mc

Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

@thatUPSdude

Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.