I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
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Happy birthday to all the women
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Me: I’m sorry my intelligence intimidates you
Also me: *misspells banana
Note to self:
Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.
Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?
Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.