I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

You Might Also Like


I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.


[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi


Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]


Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”


Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.


*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.


Me: I’m sorry my intelligence intimidates you

Also me: *misspells banana


Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.


Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.