I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
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My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
j o i m p
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.