I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.