I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
He is just living hist best little life 😊
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30: