@AnnietheNanny1

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

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@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@kikdbakbitch

7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon.

Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.

@ceejoyner

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

@threetimedaddy

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

@KevinFarzad

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.

@Mhmm_ok_sure

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

@panmidwest

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

@Chumpstring

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

@Home_Halfway

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys