I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

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Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle


Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself


Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing


captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead


As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.


I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.


Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.


gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods


It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.


Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”