@rocknthepurple

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

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@newLettuce

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

@pilau

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

@Owl_Meat

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.

@StephenBCramer

I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.

@ShanaRose21

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

@robrouse

Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”