I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The Onion called it…again.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me: