My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
did it work
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.