I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder

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If no amount of evidence will ever change your mind on an issue, then as Einstein said: “You’ve been given a large brain by mistake.”


I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!


Coworker: Did you spank your sons?

Me: Not a lot

Coworker: What about your wife?

Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time

Coworker: …


Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster


[Buzzfeed for Cats]
-Vacuum cleaner
-The floor
-Nothing. Nothing at all


Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.


Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.


[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]


Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…


Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.