I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder

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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”


guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed


Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*


66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”


Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.


If children are the future, we’re doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It’s a nightmare.


Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
Me: …….
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–


[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming


*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect