If no amount of evidence will ever change your mind on an issue, then as Einstein said: “You’ve been given a large brain by mistake.”
I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder
You Might Also Like
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.
It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Coworker: Did you spank your sons?
Me: Not a lot
Coworker: What about your wife?
Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos
Officer: Get in my car it’s faster
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.