I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
And bowling should be called pinball
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.