I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.