As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My 17yo pretends he doesn’t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry
Congrats, you’re finally a man
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.
Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she’s not a “clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend” through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
Noah’s diary – 39th day:
“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”