I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
the dark web is just a goth google.
Teach your children to beatbox
And now we wait
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
From my Mom
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure