@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

You Might Also Like

@moonstruckinnyc

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

@ch000ch

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

@piplips

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@bobvulfov

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

@MrIceMachine

Automatic flusher
Automatic soap dispenser
Automatic sink
Automatic paper towel dispenser

N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E

@cravin4

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

@mallelis

we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.

@NewDadNotes

Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I’m not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend

@AimeeHelene1

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.