Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Automatic soap dispenser
Automatic paper towel dispenser
N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*
Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.
Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I’m not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.