[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
HER: Do you have any hobbies?
ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?
HER: No, hobbies
ME: Oh, then no
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram!
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers