I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

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I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.


This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper


Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.


The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.


I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.


Still haven’t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket…scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different


“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*


That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.


Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.


If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says “Uh, it’s Adam & Eve” you can be like “OH REALLY?” and have the boys attack!!