@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

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@TheAlexP

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

@LoveNLunchmeat

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

@PhilJamesson

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

@MaryJustice86

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers