I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

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Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic


Boy, are you 40 mg of Adderall? Because without you, I’d really lose my shit. Also boy, are you my car keys? If you were, where would you be, I’m gonna be late


Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*


Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.


The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.


If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”


The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.


This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.


Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.