I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

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*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day


i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash


[on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies


government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…


Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright


St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.


The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.


[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]


You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.