I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure