“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash
[on horseback dressed as a knight]
ME: I wish to battle your King
CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru
ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne
CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King
government: let’s reopen stuff.
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: I should stop drinking
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.