I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

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ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know


I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off


Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.


Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.


Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar


me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018


I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.


Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’


Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?