I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
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Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I think about this a lot
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Somebody call the cops.