I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
🙋♀️
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”