I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth

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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list



Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*


I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.

He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity & then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check”.

He taught the children the technique.

I may divorce him.


Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?


“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”


“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.


I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..


son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do


me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol


I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.