I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth
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Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.
He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity & then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check”.
He taught the children the technique.
I may divorce him.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”
“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”
-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of