Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“I’ve never smelled marijuana so I don’t know if that’s what you think you smell in my room” and other lies I tell my mother.
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PARENTS: Never accept treats from strangers!
WEBSITE: Please accept our tracking cookies.
ME: *clicks* “I accept your cookies”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell