@Freak0nIine

“I’ve never smelled marijuana so I don’t know if that’s what you think you smell in my room” and other lies I tell my mother.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

@sarawrencomedy

PARENTS: Never accept treats from strangers!

WEBSITE: Please accept our tracking cookies.

ME: *clicks* “I accept your cookies”

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@mollzbenn

What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.

@beefman138

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

@MattOswaltVA

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

@MrEd_EVH

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

@frogshack

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

@iwearaonesie

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell