Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Oceanography is all about current events
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
channeling her this year
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken