I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.