I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors