@Alvildalikely

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

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@hotdogsladies

Whenever our neighbor’s dog is barking, I know there’s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.

@4SLars

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

@Ristolable

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

@jellybnbonanza

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

@withanewname

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”

“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”

“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”

Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

@brendohare

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does