Whenever our neighbor’s dog is barking, I know there’s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My sensitive toothpaste can’t stop crying.